Kabbalah Made Easy: Thank you for granting us this interview. I know you are very busy.
Satan: Quite all right. I have some free time since Osama bin Laden took care of a lot of my work all at once.
IKC: Is that one of the things you do, kill people?
S: Yes, its not a pleasant job but somebody’s got to do it.
IKC: Did you know Osama was going to do it before he did it?
S: Of course, I helped him make the decision. He wasn’t hard to convince. However, let me tell you it wasn’t easy for us once he’d decided to do it. We had a terribly complicated time sorting everything out.
IKC: How do you do that?
S: It’s complicated. Basically nobody can be taken out of your world unless it’s his/her time.
IKC: How do you save them?
S: I don’t. I’m the angel of death. Saving people is the job of a different angel named Raphael. Oh, how I envy his job.
IKC: If you envy him, why don’t you do good things? Why are you so evil?
S: You think I have a choice? Every angel can only do exactly the job they were designed to do by the Boss. You know Who. You think I enjoy killing people, testing their moral character, trying to get them to disobey their conscience? Every time I try to convince someone to steal, hurt etc. I’m hoping against hope they withstand my tricks and deception.
IKC: What do you do to deceive them?
S: I put thoughts in their heads, you know, whatever nonsense works – “They’ll never miss it,” “You won’t get caught,” “You deserve it,” “It’s the store’s fault for not being more cautious,” etc.etc. I’ve got a million of them.
IKC: Forgive me for asking, but this doesn’t seem fair. The cards are stacked against us. Why doesn’t God just let us be good?
S: My friend, what would be the point of existence if you were left just to be good without being tested? There needs to be a moral challenge so you can put in some effort to get close to God. The reward is dependent and in proportion to the effort. That reward is what you will live with for eternity. Don’t worry, though; I can’t force you to go against God’s will. You still retain free will no matter what. All I can do is make it an even fight.
IKC: Is there a guidebook to know how to handle your tricks?
S: Well, many people actually wrote good advice how to deal with me, and in your heart you know how to counter the thoughts I send you, but the only real guidebook is the Torah. With it, the cards are stacked in your favor.
IKC: But the Torah merely tells you what to do or not do. Where does it say how to fight you?
S: Read between the lines. Consult your local Rabbi. Check out the commentaries.
IKC: Are there any general rules to dealing with you?
#1 – Don’t give me an inch; I’ll take a mile.
#2 – Follow your mind, not your heart.
#3 – Pray to God for assistance.
IKC: Can you tell me one last thing: Why does it have to be so hard?
S: If there’s no challenge to the game, you’ve got nothing to talk about in the locker room.
This interview has been brought to you by the Kabbalah Made Easy.